【moji eroticism】

A healthy relationship is moji eroticismmarked by good boundaries and an attachment to a real person you've actually met.

Over the past two years, far too many people have developed a codependent relationship with Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Their fixation is eminently understandable. Like him or not, that sullen piece of limestone rock is the only person capable of saving us from President Trump/nuclear holocaust.

What started for many of us as a light crush has since matured into an unhealthy fixation, with no relief in sight -- since Trump isn't about to go to jail anytime soon. It's time we all examined ourselves for symptoms of Mueller addiction.

Are you in an unhealthy relationship with the Mueller investigation? Check to see if you meet any of the diagnostic criteria.

1. You have trouble remembering friends' names but "George Papadopoulos," "Carter Page," and "Rod Rosenstein" come out like music.

2. You frequently hide in the bathroom at parties to read the latest WaPo breaking news update about Paul Manafort.

3. You can't go to sleep at night without scanning Twitter for hours looking for a Mueller leak you may have missed. When you can't find anything new, you read the same investigation the New York Times published days ago, over and over again until you pass out.

4. You follow multiple Twitter accounts written by the marginally literate conspiracy theory randos. They're heavy on the delusion but also tell you exactly what you want to hear. (Trump is going to federal prison, tomorrow prolly.)

5. You haven't missed a Maggie Haberman tweet in two years.

6. You're a member of multiple different group chats dedicated entirely to the Mueller investigation. You don't even care who's in these groups, you just need somewhere to anxiously dump your links.

7. You watch Rachel Maddow on MSNBC with the same level of intensity you used to reserve for "seeing friends" or "reading a nice book."

8. You love telling friends the anecdote about Robert Mueller flashing his lights at the end of his Christmas parties. He's brilliant, and hilarious!

9. You've told everyone, "I'm not a Republican but I've kind of got a thing for Mueller."

10. You have uttered the phrase "Follow the money" more than twice in the past month.

11. You listen to "Slow Burn," Slate's podcast on Watergate, because you're hoping it'll provide insight into our current political situation, but frankly it provides no relief and mostly just puts you to sleep

12. You scream at MSNBC or CNN when they've got breaking news like it's the Super Bowl, even though they're mostly just droning on about some boring bank.

13. You talk about needing a Mueller "fix."

14. You've spent your hard earned money on some of the worst books of the year: James Comey's self-aggrandizing airport book and Fire and Fury in hard copy.

15. You and your friends continuously compare who you think will go to jail first versus who you want to go to jail first (Manafort, Jared).

16. Speaking to other people is good but following a random Twitter thread about the Magnitsky Act is even better.

17. You frequently google Mueller's bio because you can't believe he's a Republican, and you want to make sure he's "one of the good ones."

18. You've signed up to march if Trump fires Rosenstein or Mueller, and you've forced your friends to sign some rando petition too.

18. You are so deep into the Mueller investigation you actually can't remember one single thing that happened in it.

19. You've lost all sense of time. Was Paul Manafort indicted yesterday? Or was it seven years ago? How old are you now? What is your name?

20. Despite everything, you're confident Mueller is going to win. The world is burning. You have no choice but to be hopeful.